Today I want to talk to you about dating abuse/violence.

By your age most have dealt with abuse in one form or another. Possibly physical violence as a child, emotional violence – yelling/threatening in a relationship, or marriage, or even physical violence.

Many of you left marriages because of abuse.

Now as you start the process of online dating you may feel having been through abusive relationships in the past, and that you know yourself well enough, that you would recognize someone who was abusive right away.  I do not believe that is always the case.

Let me tell you my story.

I was physically abused as a child.  I was physically abused in my first relationship as a teen.  I was physically abused in my first and second marriage.  You would think I knew all the red flags after all of that.

I didn’t.

After my divorce from my second marriage I dated a few times only to see the relationship heading in the same direction, heading into an abusive situation. I felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said “beat me”.

It was at that point that I decided I would stop dating until I could be comfortable enough with myself to not put myself in that situation ever again. That took me 10 years of not dating, a long time I know. But then I finally felt I could recognize if someone was trying to maintain power and control over me that could lead to violence.

That is when I decided to try online dating.

When I first started meeting men in person that I had met online I had a mental checklist of attitudes and behaviors that could lead to dating abuse.  This checklist helped me to end a connection before it ever had time to turn abusive.

I’d like to share a few of these with you.

– Does he try to control me and try to make all the decisions?
– Does he try to order me around?
– Does he try to limit who I see or where I go?

Though I say ‘he’ it can also be a ‘she’

As well, when you are talking to your online dating connection you can ask questions that may help you determine if you might be at risk.

Such as…

– Did you have a happy childhood?
– Ask about their family, number of siblings; their ages, gender, what they do and what they are like.
– Ask about their parents, what they were like and what their relationship was like.
– Have they been married and if so, why did your marriage end?
– Were you happy in your last relationship?
– Do they have any children, what they do, what they are like, how often they see them.
– How many pets have they had. You can a learn a lot about people through their relationships with their pets or lack thereof.
– The important thing is to try and get them to share as much as possible.

How these are answered can give you a snap shot of who they are. Of course your dating connection may not be forthcoming for several reasons.  They may not want to disclose, for example, why their marriage ended.  The may only want to say ‘we grew apart’. That may be very true, but there could be other reasons why they ‘grew apart’.

My advice, if they are not forthcoming with some solid answers, not just brief answers, then simply tell them that it is important to you to get to know them better before meeting. If they still hesitate move on.

What if you are already dating and start to see changes?

End it.  I met several men through online dating that triggered red flags with me and I ended each one.  Luckily they just moved on with no hassles.  If you end it and they don’t easily move on just keeping saying you are not interested.  They will eventually get the picture.  If they don’t report them to the online dating site and/or the police.

Not everyone is abusive.

I met a man through online dating that was kind, caring, a true gentleman.  No red flags.  Our 15th wedding anniversary just passed and to this day I have not seen any red flags, only love 🙂 You can find that too.