Widowed Boomers And Online Dating

I don’t know where I got this idea, but when I finally decided that I was ready for a committed relationship, after what seemed like a lifetime of grieving Mike, I figured that it would take just a few months, or perhaps a little more than a few months, but for sure, I thought, with in a year, I would have met my second true love and be good to go. I forgot the fact that I got married to my late husband at the ripe old age of thirty-six. It took us that long to find each other.

But now I was 50, older and hopefully wiser, and I just assumed that men my age were like plums ready for the plucking.  How hard could it be? All I really wanted was a nice guy. Just a plain ole nice guy.

You know…

• A guy who I could talk to; who would listen to me as I poured my heart out.
• A guy who would be OK with the fact that I still occasionally thought about Mike and who would also love my daughter.
• A guy who was financially solvent and would love to travel (on my schedule, of course).
• A guy who didn’t smoke or drink and who believed in God. He would also be bright, a good kisser, love his work, be self assured without being cocky, be generous, kind and respectful, socially comfortable, and he would know how to fight fair.
• And he had to be OK with giving me lots of space. I didn’t want any one hanging on me.
• Oh yeah, he had to smell good, he didn’t have to be gorgeous, (that never really mattered to me) but he had to feel good about who he was.
• Oh, and it would be good if he could dance and ski be willing to do the dishes and occasionally vacuum.  And get along with my friends.
• He would love coffee in bed on Sunday mornings and even better, he would want to be the one to make it and he would read the New York Times, although I suppose I could settle for the Globe.
• He would definitely be a liberal. And he had to like dogs. (My cat will be leaving the house when my daughter does so I did not feel the need to include ‘must love cats’ and furthermore I didn’t want to make my list impossibly difficult.)
• And just a few more things…he had to love to laugh, to appreciate classical music, be mentally stable, or at least as stable as I was, (not all that hard) and he HAD to be healthy. (After living with Mike’s cancer for over 10 years, I felt fully justified in asking for a clean bill of health.  This would include satisfactory results of an MRI, CAT scan, PET scan, liver scan, blood work, EEG and cardiogram. In return, I would spring for the coffee.)

And finally, he would have to think I am sexy, or at least sexy for a 50 something, he would like to read, he would be into learning, and he would have a clean house.

Okay. Maybe I wanted a bit more than a plain ole nice guy. But now that I was done crying, wasn’t the world was my oyster? Weren’t there plenty of fish in the sea? Couldn’t I just apply “The Secret” and materialize my next man?

I gathered up my can-do attitude and wrote a killer profile.  It was a work of art as well as honest and with the help of spell check, there were no typos. I used phrases like “classic looking”, “mildly eccentric” and “slightly irreverent” and I admitted that I liked to shovel snow. What sane man wouldn’t find that totally appealing???

And then I waited. Being a child of the 50’s, although quite liberated, I was not going to chase after him. He was going to have to find me. And after what felt like 8 years, (actually it was about 2 days), the emails began trickling in. And I do mean, trickling.

I have learned a whole lot from Internet dating.

Lesson #1.

Men show you very quickly who they are. And, profiles are revealing. A respectful profile probably means that he is respectful. A profile about what he doesn’t want is probably from a man who is about what he doesn’t want. And, my fellows widows, listen up… if he is talking about cuddling in his profile; he is NOT talking about cuddling. (And know this to be factual. Believe it or not, I actually though we were going to cuddle.) Not that ‘cuddling’ is a bad thing, but before you go to his house, know if you are ready to ‘cuddle’. And a glass of wine in front of the fire? Honestly, it is not about the wine. Go figure.

So other than decoding metaphors for sex, what you see is what you get. Men are not complicated. They are wonderful, and smart and providers and protectors…and much more. But they are not complicated. Don’t try to decipher.

Lesson #2.

Learn to say “No Thank you”. Most men, whether we meet them in the coffee shop, in the produce section of Piggly Wiggly or online, are not the Right One.  They may be nice and good and decent men, but, for some indiscernible reason, will not be our Mr. Right. They will be somebody else’s.

I had to learn to say “No Thank you” rather than assume that every email was my future love. (I did assume this for about a week until a 30-something emailed me from Tallahassee Florida calling me Sweetheart and with a proposal for marriage. I realized that ‘widow’ meant something very different to him than it did to me.) I learned to trust my intuition and pay attention when something did not sit right, even if it was so vague that I could not put my finger on it. If it doesn’t sit right at the start, it really won’t sit right in eight months and after you are married it will most likely get ugly. No matter how much you want to be married.

(I know he seems a bit self centered, but he is so smart and handsome and after all I do need to learn to speak up more and toughen up and I am sure that he is very interested in me even though he doesn’t ask all that much but I am sure that it will just stop bothering me. I know I can get used to it. After all, all my friends like him and he looks pretty normal.)

Nope. What I saw was what I got. Again and again and again. We are presented with opportunities to learn, and I was presented with the same damn opportunity again and again until, eventually, I succumbed and learned.

Widows are vulnerable. Not vulnerable to men, but vulnerable to their strong desire to connect with a man. This desire can be so strong that we say ‘yes’ when we should be saying ‘no thank you’.  Or even better, “I am so outta here…”

All we need is one good man but the chances of meeting him right off the bat are slimmer than slim. Not that it doesn’t happen, but true love most often takes time.

So, Lesson #3.

We must learn patience. Sometimes my scared-to-start-over widowed clients worry about those men who are on match for 6 months, or nine months or even for over a year.  “Aren’t they are losers? There must be something wrong with them! Why can’t find a woman sooner? They just want sex and then they move on to the next.”

Although it may be true that some men are on line for a quick fix, (OK more than a few), the fact is that the process of getting ready for a Real Relationship and then actually finding him takes time.  And this goes for men too.

Getting ready for a Real Relationship is about doing emotional work that has to be done after being widowed. Who am I now? What do I want for myself? What was wonderful and good and easy about my marriage? What was not so wonderful? What mistakes did I make? What do I wish I had done differently? What am I really looking for?

This work takes time and practice. So, if those on a dating site for over a year are Losers, well then just plaster a big fat L on my forehead. I had a lot to learn, both about myself and about men. I learned it though Internet dating. Through dating successes, defined by me as parting as friends, and failures, men never to be seen again.

Internet dating has been good for me but not how I thought it would be good. I thought it was about finding Him. In fact, it ended up being about finding me. I learned about myself as I saw myself reflected back from the many men who I dated. Some for only one cup of coffee, some for a few weeks, and a few for many months.

The internet gave me experiences I would not have had otherwise, (sailing among the San Juan Islands in a itty bitty boat with dirty hair, fearing that the look was totally unappealing but hoping it would be seen in the spirit of the adventure) and it gave me a crash course in ‘believing what you see’, patience and a self-respecting ‘no thank you’.

I have gained a huge appreciation for my fellow widows, widowers, and those coming from divorce. It is not easy, making oneself again vulnerable in the quest for love. It takes courage to venture out into the Internet, when the word itself didn’t even exist until most of us were well into middle age.

For the most part, we all want the same thing, connection with another human being that raises both of us up.

So, after working and reworking my profile for the one hundred and fiftieth time, and after meeting many wonderful men, (and a very few not all that wonderful) I have relaxed. I have an unyielding faith in the process of Internet Dating. I no longer have to “make it happen.” He will find me. We will find each other.

And, yours will find you. Oh, I know what you are thinking…women your age out number men a gazillion to one. Well, that shouldn’t concern you. After all, you don’t need a gazillion. You just want the one who sees what a fabulous and amazing human being you are.

Mie Elmhirst, Coach, Guest Author